Realizations
by Ali44
Summary: Wesley if you calm down I’ll explain everything’ Cordelia tried. She turned to Angel ‘Doyle handled it waaaay better’ A/C
1. Chapter 1

Realizations 

'How? When? In sunnydale? I had no idea, none! really? When? How? Did everyone else know? How did I miss it? When did this happen? For how long'

Cordelia wasn't aware that the British were capable of such displays of emotion.

And his impression of a windmill was quite entertaining.

'Calm down Wes, you'll hurt yourself.' Angel tried desperately to keep from laughing at the Englishman who was working himself up into a state.

Who knew he would react this way.

Angel and Cordelia sat side by side on the couch watching the irate man pace back and forth, like they were watching a game of tennis. He would walk to one side of the room throwing his arms around wildly, stop, look confused for a little while, think of something new and then pace back the way he had just come, all the while muttering.

'Wesley if you calm down I'll explain everything' Cordelia tried.

It became obvious that Wesley was a long way from calming down.

She turned to Angel 'Doyle handled it waaaay better'

* * *

It was way past her curfew, besides the club was dead, drunk frat boys passed out in corners, girls in too much makeup and not enough clothes were bumping into things, some with great determination. The things they were bumping into seemed to enjoy it . Cordelia Chase was out of there. Her date had been a bust anyway. Charlie the "college guy" had turned into Charlie "grabby hands" something Queen C had had plenty of training in, and dealing with him had been no problem. Once he had regained the feeling in his hands he had turned into Charlie "the big bore" droning on and on about his fathers money, the club, the polo matches and his summer in the Hamptons. All things that at one time would have had her batting her eyelashes and checking for bad breath. But now it just bored her. Xander Harris had a lot to answer for. Not only was she a social leper at school due to the complete mental breakdown she apparently suffered in order to have ever dated someone so far down the evolutionary ladder as him. But he had ruined dating for her all together. Cordelia, deciding that the safest route would be to give up dating high school boys completely in case she ever slipped again (not likely) She had moved on to college men. Which was turning out to be as equally disastrous. Charlie wasn't the first date that had failed miserably. In fact he was her eleventh. Eleven dates that all left her feeling lonely, confused and down right pissed off. She was the "boyslayer" what the hell was wrong with her, why couldn't things go back to the way they were before? If she was honest with herself, she knew. She knew that deep down nothing had changed; it was just becoming more difficult to hide. Even from herself.

The facade that she had hidden herself behind was slowly loosing hold, not crumbling so much as becoming transparent. Yes, she could now see, really see out from behind; the pathetic high school hierarchy, the false friendships, the desperation and pettiness that was high school life and beyond that, her life, her parents life, everything that had held importance to her. For the first time she was seeing things for what they really were.

And if she could see out, then that meant that others might be able to look back and see through her carefully maintained and manicured image.  
And that was what was pissing her off the most. Snatching her bag from the table, she didn't even glance at her so called date, as he was happily trying out the "grabby hands" move on some other girl and didn't even notice her leave.  
Pushing her way through the exit, the cold night air chilled her, but was also refreshing after the dank hole of a college bar she had spent the better part of her night in. She was standing alone enjoying the night air when she first saw him. At first she wasn't sure if it was him or not. What in the world would Buffy's creature of the night ex-boyfriend be doing in this part of town? For that matter what was she doing here? Looking around she realized that she was alone, standing on the sidewalk outside a club, at 2am in the morning in Sunnydale. "Way to make yourself a victim Cor" What the hell was she thinking! Where was a cab when you needed one?

She was looking through her handbag for her cellphone when she saw him again. He was disentangling himself from an obviously drunk college girl, who didn't seem too happy about it. Cordelia absently noticed that the girl was pretty, tall with long red hair tumbling down her back in soft waves. He was trying to push her back inside the door to a building Cordelia realized was a small apartment block, it was also then that she realized that the girl wasn't wearing that much clothing either. 'Oh, so that's what he's doing' He finally succeeded in getting her to go back inside, but only after she had thoroughly kissed him goodbye Finding her phone she dialed a cab company from memory. This wasn't the first time that she had found herself needing a ride home after a failed date. Ignoring the groping couple she looked for a well lit place to wait for the cab to show up.

'Cordelia?' he approached her cautiously. He remembered what had happened last time he had startled her.  
'Hi Angel' She said quietly with a soft smile that didn't reach her eyes.  
'What are you doing here'  
'Waiting for a cab'  
'No, I meant what are you doing here?' he asked still cautiously, but now for different reasons. There were conflicting waves of emotion radiating from the girl 'I had a date' She answered lamely. 'Oh' he was never very good with small talk, and was finding it particularly difficult tonight. 'What are you doing here?' She asked feeling bolder because she already knew the answer 'I um I ah'  
'Had a date?' she helped him out 'it's okay, I saw you two saying goodnight'  
'Oh' Angel said throwing a look across the street towards the building he had just exited.  
Deciding it was best to change the subject at this point. Not wanting to discuss his sex life with one of Buffy's friends. 'Do you want a lift?' He asked Looking around, she weighed her options. Stay and possibly end up on some vamps dinner menu or getting a ride home. 'You're not evil are you?' 'What! No'  
'Just checking'  
'Why would you ask that?' 'Well last time you got some you turned evil' She said matter of factly following as he lead the way to where his car was parked.

* * *

His big black boat of a car was docked half a block down, and in the space of the quick walk her emotions had calmed, some of her usual spark returning.

'It's huge.' Was her blunt statement when he stopped next his pride and joy.

'Thank you' he couldn't help the slightly evil grin 'I was referring to the car'

'So was I' "Oh.' Her embarrassment was short lived as another thought came to her

'How come I didn't know you had a car? How long have you had a car?' she questioned him

'Since 1968'

'You've had a car all this time and I was the only one who had the pleasure of chauffeuring around the stake happy slayer and her band of dweebs'

'Hey.' She was about to retract her statement, thinking he had taken offense to her putting down the slayer and her friends.

'.. Do you really think I would let any of them in my car? It's a classic'

Before She had a chance to reply, or even process all this new information he was opening the door for her 'Get in'

* * *

They drove in relative silence, the radio playing softly in the background. The scenery flying by as he drove back towards the centre of town 'How long have you been seeing her? Cordelia asked unable to suppress her curiosity any longer

'Who'  
'Oh, I don't know, how about the girl who had her tongue down your throat and her hands in your pants'

'You noticed that did you' he said with a bashful, yet very manly smile '

Kinda hard not to' Sensing his reluctance 'so?' she prompted

'She was just someone I met.' He said keeping it vague

'Oh. You gonna see her again?' She wasn't sure why she was so curious about Angel's love life. God knows she wasn't interested in his previous relationship, well that was until he turned evil and tried to kill them all.

Or maybe it had more to do with keeping the conversation on him and off her.

'What about you'

'I doubt I will see her again' She joked deliberately missing the point.

Deliberately missing her avoidance tactics Angel asked again 'You said you had a date. You going to see him again'

'No.' was her only reply. Angel was going to press the point, because something was off with the girl tonight, even he could see that. When she lent forward and turned up the radio proclaiming that she 'loved this song' and effectively ended that line of questioning.

The song finished and she reluctantly turned the volume back down

'So seen any good movies lately?' he asked She just stared at the usually laconic vampire 'I'm changing the subject Cordelia'

'Really' she bit. Letting some Queen C out

'You obviously don't want to talk about whatever's going on, and I get that, I really do'

'How do you know that there's anything going on with me? She snapped, but only half heartedly there was no real venom behind it. Angel just gave her a "don't even try that on me" look.

'Sorry.' And she really was. 'Things have been a little crazed lately' He didn't say anything just let her talk. 'Have you ever had that feeling, where you didn't know where you fit in anymore?'

He gave her another look, this one said "you have no idea" but what he said was 'Every day'

'Really?'

'Cordelia I am a vampire with a soul. I don't fit in with the demons and I sure as hell don't fit in with the humans.' He said it matter of factly, without a hint of bitterness or resentment. It was just the way things were. Cordelia wondered how long it took him to achieve that.

She thought that was going to be it. He surprised her by continuing.

'When I was with Buffy, it was the first time in a really long time that I thought that I might be able to find a place where I fit in.' he paused lost in a not so distant memory. 'And we all know how well that ended.' He added with a derisive laugh. 'But I was wrong. Yes she, they, all knew what I was but there wasn't a day that I wasn't reminded of that, of how I didn't fit in with the group.

'Yeah' Cordelia added remembering her own struggles to be accepted into the tight knit group

'always being on the outside, being there but never being completely included' He offered her a soft smile, because in this they were not alone. They both knew what it was to be the outsider.

'We're here' Angel announced sliding the car to a stop outside her house.

She hadn't even realized. 'Thanks.

'No problem'

'Hey, how'd you know where I live?' She asked leaning back in once she had closed the car door

'I lurk'

* * *

Ok, so I've had this sitting around for like, EVER and found it again today, blew some of the cobwebs off and posted it here. Whatta ya think? 


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the feedback - hope you all make it past the formating issues

* * *

It had been a few weeks since he had given her a ride home. She had seen him around a couple of times. Once she spotted him in traffic, another time he was walking down the street, and one time he was in the process of beheading a big prickly looking beast in one of Sunnydales many cemeteries.

The bronze was packed for a Thursday night. The dance floor was crowded with young sweaty bodies and the band was loud, but that was about all they had going for them.

Cordelia should have been having the time of her life.

Instead she sat at one of the many tables that circled the dance floor, Harmony rabbiting on about some new lip gloss on her left, Aura on her right trying secretly to check out Allegra's new boyfriend. It was the same as last week, and the week before that. And Cordelia hated it. She was bored. Her "friends" inane chatter was driving her nuts, the band sucked, the drinks were watered down so much that her diet coke was the colour of dirty dishwater and tasted like it too. It was the same old people doing the same old things. And she had had enough.

Staring into her drink, and vainly trying to tune out her friends she was immediately aware of his presence. Lifting her head their eyes locked as he pushed away from the wall where he had been leaning and stalked across the room.

'Hi'

'Hi'

'Wanna get out of here?' he asked

She nodded her reply. 'You have no idea how much' she accepted his hand.

Her friends watched in mute fascination as the two weaved their way through the crowd.

* * *

'So you date now' she asked him later when they were sitting in his car, parked at the old abandoned drive in.

It came out as a statement rather than a question, as it so often did with Cordelia.

'So, you date now' he returned the statement.

She shot him a raised eyebrow, so he elaborated 'and not high school boys anymore'

'No.'

'Me either.'

She laughed, a good hearty, surprised laugh.

Shaking his head at the realization of his slip up, he corrected himself ' I mean I'm not, girls, high school…' the more he stumbled the more she laughed.

It was a good sound. He didn't mind sounding like an idiot if it made her laugh like that.

'Why? I mean not that it's any of my business, but I've noticed you around, and you don't seem yourself'

'What? Bitchy, mean Queen C ruler of all and setter of trends?'

'No, I was going to say happy. You don't seem happy'

'And where exactly have you been seeing me?'

'Around, the bronze, the university'

'What while you were working your way though the girls dorm!?!'

'Not exactly'

'I'm sorry that was rude, I didn't mean to… I'm sorry you've been nothing but nice to me and I bit your head off and made fun of your love life'

'That's okay. And it's not exactly love if you know what I mean.'

They sat in silence for a while

'But you are, you know.'

'What?'

'Going out'

'With girls you mean?'

'Uh huh'

'I suppose so.'

'And that's okay? I mean sure you and Buffy broke up, but you broke up for a reason right? Because the whole Angelus sex issue right?'

'Yes and no'

'Huh, what do you mean?'

'Everyone assumes it is all about sex'

'The curse?'

'He nodded his head yes.'

'It's not you know. Do you honestly think that I never had sex in the 100 years since I got my soul?

I was depressed, not dead.'

'Cordelia laughed 'you're such a guy'

'You should have met me when I was human.'

* * *

It was a few weeks later, the night was warm and they were both lying on the hood of his car staring up at the sky.

It wasn't planned, it never was, but they just seemed to be at the same places at the same time. Tonight they had run into each other outside the high school. The bat signal had gone up and they had all been summoned to the library.

Angel had sidled up to Cordelia as she was standing as if in a trance staring up at the building.

'Are you psyching yourself up to go in there or are you critiquing the architects design flaws?'

'It really isn't the most attractive building is it. The courtyard is nice enough, but this entrance is just bland'

They stood side-by-side, heads cocked first to one side, then the other.

'wanna get out of here?' he asked

'I thought you'd never ask'

* * *

'Angel, can I ask you a question?'

'Sure'

'Why did you go out with Buffy'

He turned his head to look at her, she had her lip between her teeth and was refusing to look at him. A couple of months ago, he would have figured this was just the lead in question to a classic queen c bitch fest. But tonight was different she really wanted to know.

'The truth is I don't really know'

'What do you mean, you don't know, of course you do, you guys went out for like, ever'

'honestly, I have been wondering the same thing. I know we were supposed to have this whole star crossed soul mates love, but….'

'Cordelia do you know why I came to sunnydale? Because Whistler, this guy, demon I'm not really sure what he was, anyhow he showed my this young girl, told me her destiny was to become a slayer, how she would spend her life fighting vampires and other evil things that go bump in the night. At that time in my life I was a mess, a slobbering, rat drinking waste of space. I had spent my existence just trying to get by, to find a place where I could just be left alone, I had finally given up. Alone and stinky in the gutter. Whistler tuned up one night and showed me a reason to keep going, but more than that he gave me direction, figuratively and literally to Sunnydale.'

Cordelia kept quite and let him tell his story. She rolled onto her side and watched him quietly.

'I dragged my sorry self to Sunnydale and started to get my shit together. One day I bumped into Buffy, helped her out with some information. It was the first time in a long time where I felt useful, part of something like I was really alive. I saw this young, human girl take on the monsters , and I thought hey I can do that. I was like a teenager with his first crush. I just wanted to be part of it. Really at that stage I wasn't a 247-year-old vampire, I was a dumb teenage kid. It wasn't about love. It wasn't even about Buffy, it was about what she represented.'

His expression turned sad

'But somewhere along the way emotions got involved. I lost sight of what I set out to achieve. I forgot I wasn't just the dumb kid.'

* * *

'Cordelia, was that Buffy Summer's boyfriend I saw you with at the movies last night?' Aura asked. It was between classes and Cordelia was shuffling books in her locker trying to make everything fit – geez pom poms were a pain

'Ex. He's her ex boyfriend'

'Cor you didn't tell me you were seeing someone new' Harmony screeched.

'he's really hot'

'I'm not. Were just friends'

'yeah right, when have you ever been just friends with a boy that hot before'

'he's not a boy'

'Oh, no he's definitely a man' Aura agreed

Cordelia left them in a fit of mindless girlish giggles


	3. Chapter 3

'So, what you're telling me is that you two became friends.'

'Geez Wes, what do you think the point of telling all those stories was?'

'no need to get snippy Cordelia, I was simply stating ...'

'yeah yeah we became friends' she shot Angel a look 'best friends actually' her tone softening to let her softer side peak out for one moment before queen C sprang back into action 'so what was your point Wesley?'

'if the two of you were such good friends how did "this" wild gesticulations to indicate the couch, and what they had been doing on said couch, happen?'

* * *

Opening your front door on a dark and stormy night to reveal a rain drenched cheerleader seemed to be the perfect opening scene for a horror film or a porn movie, either or.

'They're gone' in all the months that they had spent time together, he had never seen her so vulnerable. Big tear reddened eyes looked up at him

'Who are?'

'My parents' she sobbed lowering her chin to her chest and avoiding his eyes. She began to cry.

Standing on his doorstep in the pouring rain Cordelia cried.

He pulled her to him a wrapped her up in his arms and let her cry, no longer aware of the rain.

After a few minutes she pulled herself together. Angel physically felt her drag herself back. Looking up at him she whipped her eyes before taking his hand and walking in to the house a closing the door behind them.

* * *

'When I got home from practice, the driveway was full so I had to park in the street, I just thought that my parents where having a party and forgot to mention it, nothing new there. So I just strolled in, I wasn't really paying much attention - ha! my parents friends don't normally drive beaten up old crown vic's and the caterers van's don't usually come with IRS printed on the side. They're more the Mercedes with the 'my child goes to Yale' bumper sticker type.  
God, how could I miss it. I walked right up to the front door before anyone stopped me'

She was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace.

'A very unfriendly man in the cheap suit stopped me' she wrapped the blanket tighter around her having discarded her wet cloths, that now lay drying in front of the blazing fire. The fire held her attention and stalled her story for a moment

'Then what happened?'

'He showed me some papers, said that daddy was behind on his taxes or something and that they were going through the house and cataloguing everything. Then he took me into the dinning room and asked me all these questions and then told me that I could collect my personal belongings and anything else that was under my name but the house was now legally the property of the united states government' she was steadily working her self back up to full rant mode again ' - whatever that means - I'm 17 for Christ sake what am I gonna own? Well, there is my car and a couple of pieces of jewelry that my grandma left me. But come on!'

'Okay, so I go up stairs, and there are men in suits all over the house going through all our things - it made me feel really ...dirty. Anyhow so I go in to my room and start stuffing all my things in bags, I mean I wasn't really thinking I just wanted to get out of there, you know. Well I needed more bags, so I went into my parents room to where we keep all the suitcases and'

'And what Cordelia?' Angel asked softly

She turned to face him, and he watched as her heart broke all over again ' all the suitcases are gone, all the clothes in their wardrobes are gone. My parents they've gone' there was no pretense now and her tears flowed freely and unchecked as he again wrapped her up in a tight embrace and let her cry into his shoulder

'They've gone Angel, my parents have gone and left me all alone. No house no money. They knew what was going to happen and they left me.'

He tucked her into his bed and watched her snuggle into the covers.

'Angel' a very small and un-Cordelia like voice muffled by pillow and embarrassment

'You'll stay with me right?'

And without a word Angel turned and climbed into his bed beside his emotionally distraught best friend pulling her in close and kissing her lightly on her forehead.

* * *

'So you moved in?

'Yes she did'

'But Angel that doesn't explain -' and again with the wild waving of his arms in the general direction of the couch

'We're getting to that part'

'God Wes you can't even say it, I don't know if you're ready to hear about it' 


End file.
